That’s Impossible

Well, it’s finally arrived. The announcement has been made. The Impossible Burger will be hitting the shelves of retail grocery stores. These meatless wonders will soon be a staple among our vast array of choices. The big question, however, is where you can find them. Will they be in the meat section (alongside the dead cows), or will they reside with the rutabagas?

This is an important piece of info if you ask me. When these newfangled products emerge, I can never seem to find them—at least not without a struggle. I still haven’t been able to figure out where to locate the organic foods. Some stores mix them in with the toxic waste victuals that contain fertilizer, steroids, and other hematoma causing agents. Other stores refuse to lay them right beside their malevolent counterparts and give them an entire section

The Detractors

I also am wondering how long these amazing parcels of goodness will last before they are defamed and defrocked. Let’s face it. Nary a product lands on the market without its detractors. Surely, someone will complain.

Take eggs, for example. I had been eating eggs for years (grew up on them, as a matter of fact) when it was solemnly announced that they were bad for me. High in cholesterol…or some such nastiness. It was a shock to discover that I had been slowly killing myself all those decades. But they didn’t simply leave it at that.

They came out with fake eggs. I don’t remember what they were called, but suffice it to say, I couldn’t bring myself to eat an egg laid by a machine. Chickens might be disgusting little animals, but their byproducts (the ones with the shells) are pretty tasty.

A Hunk of Yellow

Then they decided it was only the yolks that were bad. We were told to separate the yolk from the albumen (that’s the “whites” for all you laymen—and laywomen). Yeah. Like I’m really going to do that. I tried it once, but the yolk was on me (sorry—I couldn’t resist). To be fair, they made it easy by selling small cartons of egg white. Frankly, I can’t even look at that stuff. Repulsive… It really needs a hunk of yellow floating around in it to make it somewhat palatable.

Then came the topper. In recent years, they have recanted. You know all that bad stuff we were telling you about eggs? Forget that. We were wrong. Chow down maties.

So what I’m trying to say is, it won’t be long before someone will be telling us that the Impossible Burger (did I mention they’re created entirely with plants) should come with a warning label. What that warning will be is up for grabs, but it will probably say something like this. “WARNING: This product may cause cancer, hepatitis Q, or ingrown toenails if ingested. It has been proven to cause warts in rats.”

No offense to all the well-meaning food police, but I think I’ll probably give the new burgers a shot.

[Dave Zuchelli is a graduate of Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and currently resides in Aldie, VA.]